If one lives long enough, one becomes proficient.

14 Basic Skills All Men Should Possess

I'm please to announce that I have performed all 14.  12 with excellence. One with mediocrity (checkbook), and one poorly due to a shoulder injury.

DJ or Local Band Needed for Corporate Event (Dallas/Kessler Park)

National Real Estate company looking for a local band or dj to play at company event on July 8th. This would be held at one of our local apartment communities for our Dallas based employees from 6-8pm on Wednesday June 8th. We will offer $100.00 and free food. Please call or email if interested.

Ask for jackie

Dear Jackie:

A hundred bucks for a band for a 2-hour gig?

I know just the right one!

 

So sad about Ed McMahon, huh?

Police: Man accidentally released from Myrtle Beach Jail

 Myrtle Beach police are searching for an 18-year-old white man in jail on public intoxication charges who they say was accidentally released when he pretended to be a 34-year-old black man.

Richard Daniel Wines, 18, of Mount Holly, N.C., was sentenced to five days in jail Saturday morning after pleading guilty to a public intoxication charge.

But when jail officers were releasing other inmates later that morning, Wines claimed to be Jonathan Jermain Gardner of Myrtle Beach.

Wines was freed at 10:42 a.m. and was given Gardner's valuables, the report states.

``It was an error to release him, and we're handling it internally,'' said Capt. David Knipes, spokesman for the Myrtle Beach Police Department.

Releasing officer Stevie Wonder couldn't be reached for comment...

 

New Homely Doll To Improve Self-Image Of Young Girls

 EL SEGUNDO, CA—Executives at Mattel Inc. held a press conference Monday to unveil the toy company's latest product, Plain Pamela, a homely doll designed to boost the confidence of girls ages 7 to 12.

The pale, unsightly plaything, which has a plastic torso scaled to the proportions of a 5-foot-4, 179-pound woman in her mid-30s, is being touted as the first toy expressly intended to raise the sense of physical and emotional self-worth in preteen females.

"While we still value our classic Barbie franchise, we understand the need for dolls that offer an alternative body image," Mattel CEO Robert Eckert said. "And that's why we've created Plain Pamela. She's drab, she's dumpy, she's nothing to write home about, and she's going to make the girls of America feel like beauty queens."

Modestly priced at $7.99, each Plain Pamela doll comes prepackaged with a variety of unflattering and ill-fitting blouses to drape over her shapeless torso, as well as a packet of paste-on psoriasis spots to apply along her arms and back.

Mattel designers have also included a button at the base of the doll's pudgy neck that randomly plays one of 24 preprogrammed phrases, including "I wish I was pretty like you," "That's okay, you go out and have fun without me," and "Ugh."

If Plain Pamela catches on with kids, company officials said, she may soon be joined by an entire line of fun, psychologically reassuring friends. Already in the works for the fall are Lil'-Too-Drunk Linda, whose debilitating dependence on alcohol will make any girl feel better about her own unstable home life, and Plain Pamela's Sympathetic Gay Friend, Craig.

Reasonable Consumer Would Know "Crunchberries" Are Not Real, Judge Rules

On May 21, a judge of the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of California dismissed a complaint filed by a woman who said she had purchased "Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries" because she believed "crunchberries" were real fruit.  The plaintiff, Janine Sugawara, alleged that she had only recently learned to her dismay that said "berries" were in fact simply brightly-colored cereal balls, and that although the product did contain some strawberry fruit concentrate, it was not otherwise redeemed by fruit.  She sued, on behalf of herself and all similarly situated consumers who also apparently believed that there are fields somewhere in our land thronged by crunchberry bushes.

According to the complaint, Sugawara and other consumers were misled not only by the use of the word "berries" in the name, but also by the front of the box, which features the product's namesake, Cap'n Crunch, aggressively "thrusting a spoonful of 'Crunchberries' at the prospective buyer."  Plaintiff claimed that this message was reinforced by other marketing representing the product as a "combination of Crunch biscuits and colorful red, purple, teal and green berries."  Yet in actuality, the product contained "no berries of any kind."  Plaintiff brought claims for fraud, breach of warranty, and our notorious and ever-popular California Unfair Competition Law and Consumer Legal Remedies Act.

Under the UCL, courts have held that a plaintiff must show that a representation was "likely to deceive a reasonable consumer."  Actual fraud claims, and warranty claims, are harder to prove, so if Sugawara didn't win on the UCL claims, she would be leaving without even any lovely parting gifts.  And she did not:

In this case . . . while the challenged packaging contains the word "berries" it does so only in conjunction with the descriptive term "crunch." This Court is not aware of, nor has Plaintiff alleged the existence of, any actual fruit referred to as a "crunchberry."

Furthermore, the "Crunchberries" depicted on the [box] are round, crunchy, brightly-colored cereal balls, and the [box] clearly states both that the Product contains "sweetened corn & oat cereal" and that the cereal is "enlarged to show texture."

Thus, a reasonable consumer would not be deceived into believing that the Product in the instant case contained a fruit that does not exist. . . .

So far as this Court has been made aware, there is no such fruit growing in the wild or occurring naturally in any part of the world.

Case dismissed.

So, we were doing some pet food shopping at Walmart today when I happened across this wonderful item:

 

 

Yup - the low price leader is also your one-stop shop for pet funeral needs as well.

 

 

At 24.98, I'm stocking up.

 

Next time I go back I'm gonna' find a stuffed animal kitty and put it in the urn with its little paw sticking out from under the lid.

And hope the security cameras aren't paying attention.

I know what you're thinking...

"Awww... what a cute little baby!!"

But wait - there's more...

 

 

 

 

As Paul Harvey used to say, here's the rest of the story:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the way, I found this on a WONDERFUL website called (appropriately enough) AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com